ANYTHING THEY CAN DO, WE CAN DO BETTER 
By: Cartman's Girl 

[We pan to see the South Park Cow’s game and there's the usual crowd of towns people cheering, hooting, drinking, swearing, fucking (ignore that last one) and so on. We pan down to the sidelines and see the girls in cows cheerleading outfits. The girls are: Tina, Abigail, Wendy, Bebe, Sheila, Biddy and Kelley.]

Tina: [bored] Well isn't this fun?
Abigail: Oh I do like a good game!
Kelley: Yeah it's okay, as long as you can understand what the hell is happening.

[Stan is seen flying through the air and a crash is heard.]

Tina: Looks like just a bunch of guys running around trying to grab each other.

[Pause.]

Girls: [minus Abigail] Ewww!

Abigail: [confused] What?
Bebe: What's the scores?
Tina: [looks] South Park Cows on 0 and visitors on 15.
Wendy: Damnit! These boys never win!

[We hear a crash and Cartman cheers.]

Cartman: (OS) Whoo-hoo! I smashed your face Kyle!
Kyle: (OS) Up yours butt munch!

[Kyle walks past bleeding a bit.]

Sheila: [waves a banner displaying Cartman Kicks Ass] Go Cookie!!
Abigail: Oh Kyle, are you okay?
Kyle: Yeah I'm fine. A little time on the bench I'll be fine.

[Kyle walks up to a bench and lays down on it. Pan to the girls again.]

Biddy: Have these guys ever won a game?
Jimbo: [passing by] Are you kidding? No.

[The girls look at each other, look at the game and we continue to hear the slaughtering happening on the field.]

Tina: These guys don't know fuck all about sports. I could kick their ass any day.
Sheila: Really?
Tina: Hell yeah, you get that ball, charge through the other team, and get across the other teams white line. If you do, you get a chance to kick the ball through the two posts. Easy.
Kelley: We should see if we can play!
Tina: Maybe we could Kelley...maybe we could...
Abigail: Pardon?
Tina: We'll ask Chef if we can join!

[The other girls gasp and look at Tina strangely.]

Abigail: Us? Play in a boy's sport?
Bebe: It sounds dangerous...
Wendy: Yeah...
Tina: Hell we got more chance of being hit by that ball at getting injured playing it!

[The ball flies past hitting a towns-person behind them, knocking him out.]

Bebe: So should we?
Tina: Hell yeah we should! After the game, who's up for it?

[Sheila raises her hand, then Wendy, Bebe, Biddy, Kelley and Tina. They look at Abigail.]

Abigail: Can't I be the water girl?
Tina: Fine.
Shelley: (OS) And me!

[They turn to see Shelley stood there.]

Shelley: I'll help for shure!
Tina: Okay great Shelley!
Maria: (OS) Oi, wait up for me too.

[Maria walks on waving a banner with SPCows written on it.]

Tina: Maria? [fake surprise] You want to mess up your hair?!
Maria: Hey, ya gotta live once in ya life!
Tina: Okay! Everyone up for it then?
Girls: Yeah!

[We pan to later and see the girls making their way to the Coach's office. We see bruised and battered boys laid in the halls and moaning. (a.k.a Gone with the Wind with all those dying soldiers) Tina knocks on the door.]

Chef: (OS) Come on in!

[Tina opens the door and the girls march in.]

Chef: Girls? What is this?
Tina: Chef, we want to ask you something.
Chef: Yes?
Tina: We want to play.

[Shocked silence while Chef looks from girl to girl.]

Chef: Play? Play...with what?
Tina: Football. We want to play that game.
Chef: Girls, I'd love to have you play in the game, but you could get seriously hurt. Girls weren't meant to play in this kind of sport-
Tina: [pointing her finger at Chef] SEXIST!
Chef: [surprised] What?
Maria: You heard my sister! Sexist! Girls can play any game boys can!
Chef: But Football has got blood, guts, determination, fights-
Shelley: [thumping her fist on the table] We can kick thoshe boych achesh!
Girls: Yeah!
Abigail: [unsure] Uh...I'm sure we could...
Chef: I'm sorry girls.
Tina: Fine. From this moment on, this means war!

[Tina turns and marches out, and the girls follow. Shelley stays, smashes a chair over Chef's head and follows. We pan to Tina's house later and Tina's on the phone, with all the girls surrounding her.]

Tina: Yes, Mrs. Broflovski we need some advice. (pause) Yes, we asked Mr. Chef the school's coach if we could join his football team, and do you know what he said? (pause) He said that girls were not meant to play football. That the game involved blood, guts, determination and fighting. (starts to sound like a younger Sheila Broflovski) He believes just because we are a bunch a females we are not meant to play a manly sport! (longer pause) Yes I am indeed shocked myself! (longer pause) You'll help us? Oh thank you Mrs. Broflovski, (to girls) Are we thankful?
Girls: (to phone) Thank you Mrs. Broflovski!
Sheila: We're gonna bring those sexist pigs down!
Tina: (to phone) Hear that Mrs. Broflovski? Your niece was even insulted by Mr. Chef. (pause) Thank you ever so much. Bye.

[Tina hangs up.]

Tina: Ooo, we are gonna hang those boys by their balls.
Girls: (minus Abigail) Yeah!
Abigail: (quietly) Oh dear.

[We pan to Kyle's house and Sheila is talking to Gerald.]

Mrs. Broflovski: I mean what nerve does he have insulting young girls like that?
Mr. Broflovski: [reading paper] Mmm-mm...
Mrs. Broflovski: Poor innocent girls wanting to play a game, and being victims of sexist pigs!
Mr. Broflovski: Mmm-mmm...
Mrs. Broflovski: And I know who can help me! Jeanette Rosi!

[Mr. Broflovski starts paying attention and drops his newspaper.]

Mr. Broflovski: Jeanette?! Oh no!

[He dives behind the couch.]

Mrs. Broflovski: She is just perfect!

[Mrs. Broflovski walks into the kitchen and dials a number, we pan to a crowded Italian household. There are kids screaming, men yelling, women talking and so on. The phone rings and a middle aged woman (who looks younger really), with brown hair with red streaks, wearing a black skirt, black shirt, grey parka and long nails answers the phone.]

Lady: Hello?
Mrs. Broflovski: Hello, yes, is there a Mrs. Jeanette Rosi there?
Lady: This is her.
Mrs. Broflovski: Jeanette! It's Sheila Broflovski from college!
Jeanette: Oh Sheila! How are you and Gerald?
Mrs. Broflovski: Oh we're fine. Listen, are you-
Jeanette: Hold on dear...[to crowd] AY! QUIET DOWN!!! [they do] Thank you. [to phone] Pardon dear?
Mrs. Broflovski: Are you still a feminist?
Jeanette: Yes I am. Why?
Mrs. Broflovski: Today, a bunch of sweet innocent girls were open to sexist remarks by an adult.
Jeanette: How old are they?
Mrs. Broflovski: Most are eight, while two were twelve.
Jeanette: Why?
Mrs. Broflovski: They wanted to partake in a 'male' sport, but the coach refused them.
Jeanette: Oh I'll be there within a couple minutes Sheila.
Mrs. Broflovski: Thank you J-

[The door bell rings and Gerald cautiously answers. Jeanette is stood there.]

Jeanette: Hello *Gerald*.
Gerald: Jeanette...

[Jeanette lets herself in and goes up and greets Sheila.]

Jeanette: Sheila! Darling, [kisses her on both cheeks] How are you?
Sheila: I'm fine.
Jeanette: So who was the male sexist pig?
Sheila: A Mr. Chef.
Jeanette: 'Chef'?
Sheila: The school chef.
Jeanette: Ah. So we shall meet this 'Chef' tomorrow.

[We pan to the next day and we see the girls who are sat on the play ground equipment.]

Abigail: Tina, are you sure your course of action was wise?
Tina: Abigail, I've been dismissed from 'male' sports for too long. It's time to make a stand!
Shelley: You go girl!
Abigail: Oh dear...
Bebe: We'll bring these bastards down!

[Then Mrs. Broflovski and Jeanette walk up.]

Mrs. Broflovski: Hello girls.
Girls: Hello Mrs. Broflovski.
Mrs. Broflovski: Girls, this is my friend Jeanette Rossi, we're going to have a talk with Mr. Chef.
Jeanette: Oh you poor dears! I feel for you!
Tina: Thank you Mrs. Rossi, but I'd be careful of Mr. Chef.
Jeanette: Why?
Tina: He's a womanising black bastard.

[The other girls look at Tina in shock.]

Tina: What? It's true.
Jeanette: I know how to deal like men with him...what's your name?
Tina: Tina.
Jeanette: Tina dear.

[Jeanette and Mrs. Broflovski start off, Tina hops off the swing and goes after them.]

Tina: Can I come too?
Jeanette: [while she talks the American anthem plays in the background and the American flag waves behind her as a back drop] Are you prepared to stand up for your rights as a woman? To continue with the march of womanhood against a world of chauvinist sexist pigs who declare they rule your life and will order you around until the day you die and rot in American soil?

[Pause.]

Tina: Hell yeah!

[We pan to Chef's office, there's a knock at the door.]

Chef: Come in.

[Tina walks in.]

Chef: Oh, hello Tina.
Tina: Cut the crap Chef.
Chef: What?
Tina: Are you ready to re-consider your decision from yesterday?
Chef: Look Tina, I'm sorry but-
Tina: On no. You're not sorry. Not yet. Ladies?

[Mrs. Broflovski and Jeanette walk in and stare at Chef.]

Chef: Oh fudge.

[We pan to the next day and we see Chef talking to the male team.]

Chef: All right boys, after a long hard three hour talk yesterday by three very determined ladies, I have made a decision...
Cartman: What? That we have to wear those dick protectors?
Kyle: What, you don't wear yours?
Cartman: Course not! Those things are uncomfortable!

[Kyle kicks Cartman in the nuts and Cartman falls over in pain.]

Chef: No not that. There are going to be...some new members in the team..
Pip: Oh hurrah!
Kenny: {Shut up Pip.}
Stan: Who are they Chef?
Chef: Team...m-meet your new team mates.

[The girls walk up and stand across from the boys with Chef in the middle. The boys stare in shock. Cartman gets up off the ground.]

Cartman: What the hell?!
Stan: Dude!
Kyle: Those girls are gonna play?!
Craig: Aw that takes the fun out of it...Mom says I can't hit girls...
Tweek: GAH! Too much pressure!!!
Tina: Oh come on! We can play too!
Shelley: Yeah sho schut your fachesch ya little turdsch!

[The boys cower back.]

Stan: Dude this is fucking weak...
Kyle: Abigail? You too?
Abigail: Oh Kyle I am merely the water girl.
Kyle: Oh!
Pip: Oh I envy you sister dear.
Abigail: Why?
Pip: I have to be brutally murdered every game we play here. No helmet.
Abigail: Oh dear.
Tina: Well there isn't gonna be anymore of that!
Chef: Now you know the school can't afford helmets for everybody-
Tina: Does this mean us girls are gonna be without helmets too? Huh? Cause if it is, I got my phone here to call Mrs. Rossi and have another meeting!
Chef: [hands up in defence] All right, all right Ms. Alvereze-

[We hear boys mutter 'Ms. Alvereze' with questioned looks.]

Chef: ..I'm sure we can come up with something...
Kyle: [to Bebe] Why did he call her that?
Bebe: Duh Kyle! Tina was one of the three determined ladies!
Kyle: Dude!
Tina: I'm sure we can...[she grins evilly] Now, shall we begin?

[Silence as boys stare.]

Tina: [pissed] NOW!

[The boys scatter. We pan to later and the boys are looking through a window, we pan in and see the girls are getting into their football uniforms. Bebe is admiring herself in the mirror while Wendy ogles at a cup. Sheila is checking her uniform for places to keep her pinwheels, and Tina is struggling to get her pants on. Abigail is in a jersey with the numbers 01 on it. Shelley looks at herself with the full gear on, helmet, shoulder pads and all that. She sees the boys looking in through the window, turns, growls at them and they scatter. Maria walks in wailing.]

Tina: [still struggling with her pants] What is it?
Maria: I broke a nail!

[Tina rolls her eyes and gives an almighty tug at her pants and falls over with a thud.]

Tina: OW!

[We pan to later and the boys are watching from the sidelines. The girls are practising chucking the ball to each other.]

Maria: How do you handle such an awkward object?!
Tina: Just throw it!
Maria: But it doesn't match what I'm wearing!
Tina: Throw it!!
Maria: What if I break another nail?
Tina: THROW THE FUCKING BALL!!

[Bebe throws hers, it goes soaring over Wendy's head and hits Biddy in the head.]

Biddy: Bebe!!
Bebe: Oh! Sorry Biddy!!

[We see Kelley straining to get at her nose through the bared things on the helmet to pick her nose.]

Kelley: Damnit!
Sheila: Kelley! Catch!

[Kelley catches the ball thrown by Sheila. We see in the background Tina is still screaming at Maria to throw the ball.]

Kelley: Do you really wanna play this game?
Sheila: Hell yeah!

[Sheila walks up and we see a pinwheel shoved into her pant leg.]

Sheila: We get to bash boys up! Dibs on Kyle!
Kelley: We get to bash boys to the ground and hold them there?
Sheila: Yeah!
Kelley: Dibs on Benny!

[Maria finally throws it, but it goes a measly few feet and falls down. Tina screams and stomps on the ground. Tina charges up, grabs the ball, swerves around Maria and back to her place in a few seconds.]

Tina: Are you ready for this one!?
Maria: Yes.

[Tina launches the ball and it goes soaring pretty damn fast past Maria's head and hits Kenny in the back of the head, he falls over.]

Kenny: {OW! Fucking hell Tina!!!}

[Kenny gets up.]

Tina: Yes! I got him!!
Kelley: Tina!!
Tina: Sorry Kelley...SORRY KENNY!!

[Kenny swears.]

Kenny: {No girls were meant to play our sports Tina! Fuck off with all your girly friends!}
Tina: I'll remember that Kenny!! I'll get you back big time!!

[Abigail is seen on the sidelines with a barrel of a kind of drink next to her. She's just sitting and watching. Pip walks up and sits next to her.]

Pip: Why aren't you playing?
Abigail: Oh, I'm not that interested in this game.
Pip: But Tina did a lot to get the girls able to play this game.
Abigail: Yes I know...call me old fashioned, but this game is meant for men and girls should play our kind of sports.

[Pause.]

Pip: Right-O 'Old Fashioned'.
Abigail: [giggles] Oh Philip!

[We then pan to a shoe store and Tina is trying on those spiked running shoes on. The sales man watches while she tries them out. She turns to him, ushers him closer, then kicks his nuts, he falls over in a great deal of pain. She admires the shoes.]

Tina: I'll take them!
Man: Owwwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaagggggghhhhhhhhh........

[We then see the girls in Tina's back yard. We hear Kenny tackling off screen.]

Kenny: (OS) {Look girls, couldn't you practice on field? [pause] Can't you get a proper field goal?}

[Tina revs up and charges off screen, we pan to the other side of the yard and see Kenny being dangled from a tree by ropes around his wrists and he dangles helplessly as Tina charges at him.]

Kenny: {CAN'T YOU GET A PROPPER DUMMY?!?!}

[We pan back to the girls, we hear a crunch and Kenny scream.]

Wendy: Whoo-hoo!! Go Tina!!!
Abigail: Oh my.

[Abigail walks past them with a First Aid kit. We pan to see the whole team, both male and female on the sidelines of a game. Chef is pep talking.]

Chef: All right children, this is our first game as a both sex team, and we wanna make the best of it right?
Team: Yeah!
Chef: Now we wanna see what you got! Do it ten times better then you would! Lots of towns people have money riding on this game since we got new players. Now get out there and play!
Team: Yeah! [run off screen] South Park Cows! South Park Cows!
Tina: Mooooo!!!

[We pan to the playing field and we see the other team assembled.]

Kid: Hey I heard they got new players.
Kid #2: [French accent] Really? Anyone iz better then theze-

[The kids stop when they see Tina, Sheila, Wendy and Kelley walk on with Cartman, Kyle, Stan and Kenny. They stare.]

Kid #2: Whoa!
Kid #1: Girls!? You let girls play?!
Tina: [shakes fist at them] You got a problem with that?!
Kid #2: No no no! There iz no problem ma'am!

[They get in the proper lines. Kid #2 (let's say his name is Daniel), he's staring at Tina and he has little hearts flying around his head. Tina stares back at him.]

Tina: What? I got a bug up my nose or something?
Daniel: No no, not at all...
Tina: Then quit staring at me!

[Cartman gets the ball ready.]

Stan: Hut hut! Hut hut hut! Hut hut hut! Hut hut hut hut! Jabba the Hutt! Hut hut! [pause] Oh yeah, HUT!

[Cartman huts the ball to Stan, the Cows charge at the other group, Stan looks around for a team member who's open.]

Commentator: There's the kick off...Looks like Quarterback Marsh is looking for an open man...
Kelley: Stan! Stan! I'm open!!

[Stan gulps, and throws it to her. She catches it and runs like a shower of shit.]

Commentator: He's thrown it to a new member, a Ms. Kelley Heflon. Look at her go!

[The crowd cheers madly. The other race after her. Tina and Wendy are on their heels.]

Commentator: Uh-oh looks like the North Guns has two babes on their heels!

[Tina grabs one boy by the legs and pulls him down while Wendy grabs the other guy and drags along with him.]

Commentator: Now who are those tarts...it's Testaburger and Alvereze! And Helfon in the 40's, the 50's....TOUCHDOWN!!!

[The crowd cheer madly and Kelley pants and cheers. She jumps up in the air with joy as the other girls squeal happily.]

Commentator: Now for the kick off...

[Tina steadies the ball and Kelley runs up and punts it between the posts.]

Commentator: Goal!!!

[The crowd cheers again. The boys who are on the bench look stumped.]

Pip: My word!
Craig: Oh my God!
Tweek: Gah! T-t-t-t-they scored?!?!?
Chef: Whoa! Those girls are a heaven sent! Little rays of sunshine!

[(I know that is older then Chef himself that line, I wanted him to say that. ~ C.G) We pan to later and we see the scores at half time.]

Commentator: The scores now, South Park Cows 45, Visitors 26. This game is turning out pretty good.

[We see the South Park Cows walk off the field with the North Guns following, Daniel is behind Tina and he's grinning as he's following her. The others turn off towards their bench, but Daniel follows Tina until she stops and turns to him.]

Tina: Look, number...15, your group, is that way. Go!

[Daniel grins stupidly and walks off. Tina shakes her head.]

Tina: [to Wendy] I think someone must have plowed him to the ground out there somewhere.
Wendy: [thoughtful] Mmm...maybe...

[Tina goes up to Abigail.]

Tina: Did you see how we're trashing them Abigail? Are we hot or what?!
Abigail: Oh you're doing quite well for yourselves Tina. I'm proud of you all.
Tina: Abigail, you should join in! It's loads of fun!
Abigail: Oh no-no...violence isn't my thing really.
Tina: Ah it's not violent...

[We see Craig being carried across screen on a stretcher. Abigail stares.]

Tina: ...It builds character!
Abigail: [watching Craig] Ah-huh...
Tina: So, why don't you play?
Abigail: I-I'm not that good with sports...
Tina: Abigail, Philip felt the same way too, but until he discovered dodgeball, he thought he'd never find a sport!
Abigail: Dodgeball?

[Tina rolls her eyes. We pan to later in the game, and now it's the visitor's turn with the ball (or however you say it, I'm not that into football. In fact, I hate football ~ C.G) and they're facing the South Park Cows again. Daniel is facing Tina again and he's grinning. Tina looks slightly uncomfortable and gulps.]

Other quarterback: Hut! Hut hut hut! Hut hut hut! Hut! HUT!

[They hut the ball and Daniel literally flies at Tina and grabs her around the middle, the game goes on as before. Sheila sees the ball fly to a player and charges at him, she nails him on the ground and shoves a pinwheel up his ass. She steals the ball and makes a break for the other way, she throws it to Wendy, who throws it to Bebe, who throws it to Biddy who makes the touch down as the crowd goes wild. After the game the teams are shaking hands and so fourth.]

Tina: [to players as they shake her hand] Nice job. Too bad. Had fun. Hey! I smashed your face didn't I? Sorry! Hey nice to see ya. Hope to play again soon. [sees Daniel] Uh...good game.
Daniel: Oui oui it was ci manufic. I, am Daniel Botisvelli, and I vas verry impressed with your playing skills. Ve must play again sometime.
Tina: Uh...sure, sure.

[We pan to later and the girls are at Happy Burger.]

Shelley: Well that wasch the moscht fun I've ever had at a football game!
Maria: I'll say! I clawed someone in the face! I didn't even know who it was!!
Bebe: And did you see Biddy with those touchdowns?! Little Miss Touch Down!

[The girls continue to talk while Tina sighs and looks at her drink and doesn't touch it. She glances out the window and, by chance the bus that has the North Guns in it drives past, Daniel is seen in the window, he waves and blows her a kiss. Tina goes red and looks away quickly.]

Abigail: Tina, are you all right?
Tina: [quickly] I'm fine. Really.
Abigail: Are you sure?
Bebe: Hey I think one of the boys in that team had the hots for Tina!
Wendy: Really? Whoa! Who?
Bebe: That British boy with the dark shade hair.
Maria: Hey yeah I did notice the way he was looking at you.
Abigail: Oh dear, what about Philip, Tina?
Biddy: What about Pip? Like he'd stand up for Tina. Yeah right. Pip couldn't even defend himself from those bullies today. I saw Tina save his ass three times out there.

[Tina sighs and looks away.]

Abigail: Now look what you've done! [to Tina] Ignore them Tina if they're hurting you.
Tina: I...I have to go now.

[Tina gets up and leaves. Abigail scowls at the others and follows Tina. We see Tina and Abigail walking down the street to Tina's house.]

Abigail: Did they upset you much?
Tina: No it's not that...I think they're right...
Abigail: Pardon?
Tina: Well, Daniel, he was looking at me in a funny way, and did you see how quickly he was to grab me?!
Abigail: Oh, no I wasn't watching you...
Tina: Ah. Well he did. He said after that we should do it again sometime. Then on the bus, he..he...
Abigail: [concerned] He what?
Tina: [quietly] Blew me a kiss.

[Abigail looks in Tina at shock. Then looks shocked in general.]

Abigail: The nerve! And you going out with Philip!
Tina: I know...I know...but Biddy's right. Philip would never defend me, let alone himself. I hate to think what he would do if he saw Daniel do anything to me at all..
Abigail: Tina, us Pirrip’s may be shy and vulnerable, but when you step over the line with us, you step over the line! Philip would do anything to protect you, you have to understand that.
Tina: I know.
Abigail: No you don't. You'll have to see him in action.
Tina: Oh Abigail, forget I said anything okay? I didn't mean to insult your blood line at all. I gotta get home now anyway.

[Tina walks away quickly leaving Abigail stood there. We pan to the boys sat around a table. On the table is a sheet of paper, drawn on it is eight year old drawn pictures of Tina, Abigail, Sheila, Wendy, Bebe and Kelley.]

Stan: ...And let me tell you! Those girls will not stop until they get to do whatever we do! Even go into the boys toilets!
Cartman: Soon they'll be pissing like us!! The world won't need men! We'll be locked inside zoos to be gawked at!!
Kyle: [to Cartman] Your Mom hire 'Full Monty' too?
Cartman: [scoffs] For the past month!
Clyde: But it's just this football game, what else can they do?
Stan: I'll tell you what they can do. They can take our jobs, the right we have to boss them around, to drink our beer, to piss in our urinals, to eat our Cheesy Poofs, to guzzle our Fizzy! We have to stop them now before they take everything we hold dear to us!

[Blank stares from everyone there.]

Craig: You suck Stan.

[Craig flips Stan off and leaves. Clyde follows. Soon Cartman, Kyle, Kenny, Stan and Terrance are left.]

Stan: Terrance? You stayed?
Terrance: Yeah Stan. What you said made sense. Girls are taking what we like to do, what we call manly things and making them girlie things!
Cartman: Hey yeah!
Kenny: {Mom is always bossing Dad around!}
Kyle: My Mom has always been a bitch!
Stan: My Mom went off at me when I asked for a cookie!
Cartman: My Mom...uhhh...My Mom...uhhh...wait...

[While Cartman thinks the boys talk more.]

Stan: So what do we do?
Terrance: I say we take over some of ttheir lessons and sports they play. Like Tina's all female hockey team. What if a boy joined? Or Abigail's scouts? What if boys joined that? Wendy, Bebe and Biddy's Home Ec classes?
Kenny: {Hey Home Ec kicks ass.}
Terrance: Yeah yeah yeah, surrounded by girls, big deal. So what do you say boys? You game?
Kyle: Yeah!
Stan: Totally.
Kenny: {Let's go kick some girl behind!}
Cartman: My Mom...mmm...

[We pan to the next day and we see Abigail talking with Pip.]

Pip: She really believes in that?
Abigail: Well I hate to say it brother dear, but you barely stand up for yourself...
Pip: I stood up for myself in China in the World Finals for Dodgeball!
Abigail: I know that Philip, but she needs to see it happen. A boy from the other team was making moves on Tina that day.
Pip: [shocked] W-w-what?
Abigail: That's right. And I'm sure Tina was expecting you to pick up on that and come to repel the beastly boy, but you didn't.
Pip: [sadly] Oh.
Abigail: You just need to stand up for yourself more and then Tina can see how much a tough, brute Englishman you can be!
Pip: You're right Abigail, I do need to defend myself! I'm going to be strong to prove myself to Tina!
Abigail: Good for you!

[We pan to the next day and we see the football group sat down for practice. The girls [minus Tina] are nattering away about stuff. Tina still looks down in the dumps. The boys are watching the girls talk.]

Cartman: So what are we gonna do?
Terrance: I dunno...move in on their territory?

Stan: Sounds good.

[Stan gets up and walks over to Wendy.]

Stan: Hey Wendy?
Wendy: Yeah?
Stan: Could I join Home Ec with you?

[Wendy stares.]

Wendy: What?
Stan: So I can spend more time with you. Is that okay?
Wendy: Uh...sure Stan...that's fine...
Stan: Cool!

[We pan to Abigail handing Token some water. Kyle walks up to her.]

Kyle: Hey Abigail?

[Abigail turns to face him.]

Abigail: Y-yes Kyle?
Kyle: Hey listen, could I join your Scouts Troop?

[Abigail blinks in surprise.]

Abigail: Whatever for?
Kyle: Well, to get intuned with nature, getting to know the inner me and getting to know you better.
Abigail: Oh! Well...I guess that's okay Kyle...I guess...
Kyle: Great!

[Stan and Kyle walk back to Terrance.]

Stan: I've entered Home Ec.
Kyle: I've entered Scouts.
Terrance: Great! Now, just irritate the hell out of them.

[Cartman walks up.]

Cartman: And I've joined modelling school!

[They stare at him blankly.]

Cartman: Sheila does modelling so I joined.
Terrance: Uh... swell Cartman...
Cartman: Now what do I do?
Stan: You gotta bug her. Teach her to interfere with our manly sport.
Cartman: Oh. What have you two joined?
Stan: Home Ec.
Kyle: Scouts.

[Cartman laughs.]

Cartman: Home Ec?! Scouts?! [laughs more] That is so lame!!
Kyle: Better then modelling school!

[Cartman stops.]

Cartman: Damnit.

[Kenny walks up.]

Terrance: What did you join Kenny?
Kenny: {Kelley's art classes.}
Stan: Art? Isn’t' that for gays?
Kenny: {No way dude, art kicks ass. They get to study paintings of naked chicks and stuff.}
Cartman: Whoa!
Stan: Oh please. Home Ec isn't as bad as models or art, or even Scouts.
Kenny: {Yeah, learn how to cook, clean, sew, and how to marry a nice rich man...hey... wait...}

[The boys laugh. We pan to Scouts that weekend. Kyle is seen in the full Girl Scout's uniform stood close to Abigail since all the other girls are giggling at him and watching him.]

Abigail: Kyle, tell me truthfully, why the sudden interests in Scouts?
Kyle: I figure I need to get more in tuned with nature.
Abigail: But aren't you in Jew Scouts already?
Kyle: Uhh...to get in touch with other kids other then Jews.
Abigail: [blinks] Right-O.

[We pan to the art class. The room is filled with girls setting up easels. Then Kenny and Kelley walk in.]

Kelley: Hurry up Benny, we're late.

[They set up, and then Tina (!!!) walks in. She spots Kenny, pauses and grins.]

Kenny: {Why is Tina here?}
Kelley: Tina's the substitute teacher when her Mom can't make it dude.

[Kenny looks shocked. We pan to modelling class. Cartman is sat in a room full of girls too. He looks pretty nervous. And he looks shocked at the information Sheila just told him.]

Cartman: No. No no no no no!
Sheila: I'm sorry Cookie! Mrs. Adams said you hafta wear this.
Cartman: [sighs] Okay...I gotta suck in my gut and strut.

[Cartman takes a bundle of clothes off Sheila and enters a changing room. He steps out a few moments later in full Austin Power gear. His hat off, a fake pair of glasses on and the full red suit with white hand cuffs. He does a Austin Power's pose with a pistol.]

Cartman: [fake British accent] Shagadellic baby! Yeah baby yeah!

[We cut back to art class again.]

Tina: ...and since we have a man here tonight, we're gonna be painting nude.

[The girls giggle and we see Kenny's train of thought. He sees all the girls painting things, with not a stitch on them (bits blurred). Back to reality Kenny laughs his dirty little boy laugh.]

Tina: So Kenny can you come up here please?
Kenny: {Huh?}
Tina: [livid] NOW!

[Kenny hurries up next to Tina.]

Kenny: {Well?}
Tina: Gear off.
Kenny: {What?!}
Tina: Duh! To be painted nude! [quietly and evilly to him] No boys were meant to play our activities Kenny. Fuck off with all your boy friends. [louder] Now! Gear off!

[The girls giggle.]

Tina: And sit there!

[Tina points to an exotic chair.]

Kenny: {But-}

[Before Kenny can say anymore, Tina rips his hood off, gloves and pants. The girls whistle and cheer. Kelley claps. Kenny is now stood there in his underwear.]

Kenny: Tina! What the fuck is going on?!

[Tina then gets behind him and rips his underwear off him. The girls all cheer, clap and whistle loudly. We briefly see a shot from outside, we see the girls all cheering and throwing paints and pens around. Back inside Kenny has his hands over his front and his legs are crossed.]

Tina: Sit...NOW!!

[Tina picks the now nude Kenny and plonks him down on the chair and ties him to it.]

Tina: [to Kenny] This'll teach you pervert...

[We pan to Scouts and see Kyle with Abigail walking in a field. Kyle stops and wanders into a bush. Abigail notices his absence, and turns to look at him.]

Abigail: K-Kyle, what are you doing?

[Kyle is seen gathering leaves.]

Kyle: Weren't we meant to be gathering foliage?
Abigail: Why, yes...but not Poison Oak.

[Kyle stops. He looks at his uncovered legs and hands. And at the leaves he's holding.]

Kyle: Oh shit! Well there should be a sign saying to be careful?
Abigail: There is.

[Abigail points to a sign stating: BEWARE!!! POISON OAK HERE!!!!]

Kyle: Fuck!

[We pan to the next day at the bus stop. Cartman is stood there looking at photos. We see them and it shows him in Austin Powers get up, with girls around him. The last one is of Cartman ripping his shirt open to Sheila who looks damn happy. Kenny walks up.]

Cartman: Well how was art class Kenny?
Kenny: {I don't wanna talk about it.}
Cartman: I had tons of fun. Have a look.

[Cartman hands them to Kenny, who bursts out laughing at the photos. Cartman looks pissed. He nicks them off Kenny and holds them.]

Cartman: I think I look hot anyway.

[Kenny wipes his eye from laughing. Stan walks up.]

Cartman: Hey Stan.
Kenny: {Hey Stan.}
Stan: How was things?
Kenny: {No comment.}
Cartman: Ay! That's a comment!
Kenny: {No it isn't! It's a no comment!}
Cartman: No comment is a comment!
Stan: So why no comment Kenny?
Cartman: Damnit!! It WAS a comment!!
Stan: What happened to you Kenny?
Kenny: {Art was all right, the first five minutes...}
Stan: What happened after?
Kenny: {No comment.}
Cartman: AY!

[Then Kyle walks up. He's got bandages on his hands, legs and face. The others stare at him blankly for a long time.]

Cartman: Jesus H Christ!! What the hell happened to you dude?!
Kyle: I wondered into a poison oak patch.
Stan: Dude!
Kenny: {Does it hurt?}
Kyle: Nah. Last night I was red and itching as anything. But now I gotta keep things off the scratches or they'll get worse.
Kenny: {Dudes, check out Cartman's class.}

[Kenny steals the photos off Cartman and hands them to Kyle and Stan. Both pause for a second and then burst into fits of laughter.]

Stan: Dude!!!!
Kyle: You look SO gay!!

[Cartman takes them back and pockets them, then Tina walks up.]

Tina: Guys?
Boys: Yeah?
Tina: Why are you at the bus stop on a Sunday?

[Pause. They all stare blankly.]

Cartman: Meeting. No girls. Go!
Tina: Puh! Fine, what gives you the idea I'd want to stand in three feet of snow with four foul mouthed brats? [turns to walk away, stops and looks at Kenny] See you around Snake.

[Tina walks off laughing. Kenny goes red.]

Kyle: What?
Kenny: {Last night...something happened..}
Stan: What?
Kenny: {I...I...}

[Tina walks back in.]

Tina: We all saw him in the nude.

[Tina walks off screen. The boys glare at Kenny. We pan away and see later Pip talking to himself in the mirror.]

Pip: Right-O. [pointing his finger at himself] You get your act together boy! No more pansy footing around! Your...my...your woman is in trouble with another man and I am NOT about to stand by and watch it! Next time he comes within an inch of her I am going to whoop his sorry whore ass!!!

[Pip calms from his outburst. He adjusts his hat.]

Pip: Today, Pip becomes his brave self!

[Pip goes through the door, but it's closed so he runs right into it.]

Pip: OWCH!

[We pan to see Tina walking through the main street of South Park, doing mostly nothing. She stops and looks in at the video retail shop. She stops when she sees Daniel's reflection behind her. Her eyes go big and she swallows.]

Daniel: Allo, Teena.
Tina: [sighs then turns to face him] Hello Daniel.
Daniel: 'Ow are you today?
Tina: I'm fine...you?
Daniel: Oh you do not know the burning sensation within my 'art madam!
Tina: [confused] What?

[Daniel grabs her hand.]

Daniel: Zeeing you cauzes my 'art to go faster then it ever could before!
Tina: Please...
Daniel: Pleaz', pleaz', pleaz' vill you be mine?
Tina: But you make my skin crawl!
Daniel: Give me ze chanse and I'll make it roll off and on again.
Tina: [shocked look]
Daniel: Ah-ha-ha...you need...perswazion no?

[Daniel moves around Tina eyeing her up and down while she looks freaked. We see Pip a little way off marching pretty fast.]

Daniel: Ah, I know...

[Daniel then grabs Tina's ass! (Oh my! ~ C.G) Tina looks more freaked then she was before!]

Tina: Daniel...Daniel...please...
Daniel: A-aaa...you vant more eh?

[Pip arrives, notices where Daniel has his hand and goes up to Daniel and taps him on the shoulder.]

Pip: [annoyed (!)] Excuse me sir!

[Daniel turns from Tina, even without letting his hand go of Tina's rear, and turns to Pip.]

Daniel: Vat do you want Engleeshman?
Pip: Kindly remove your hand from my girlfriend you cad!
Daniel: [sarcastic] Oh no! Ze Engleeshman iz angry at little moi! What can I do to save myself?

[Pip looks at Tina, and Tina looks like she's about to cry. Then Pip goes bright red, screams and attacks Daniel. Pip is rightly going at it! He's thumping Daniel in the face, kicking him at the same time, pulling at his hair and so on. Nearby kids gather and cheer and hoot while Tina continues to look shocked and upset.]

Daniel: [now with blood trickling down his mouth] Breeng it on beech!

Pip: I'LL TEACH YOU TO TOUCH MY TINA!!!

[Pip winds his fist up and punches Daniel in the jaw, completely knocking him out! Pip stands up, fixes his tie and hat and turns to see the kids watching.]

Pip: [still angry] What?

[The kids scatter like mice ;) Tina is left, still looking upset. Pip's expression softens and he goes up to her.]

Pip: It's all right Tina, please don't be upset...
Tina: [gasping] H-h-he g-g-grabbed me Philip!! I-I-I didn't k-k-know what to do!

[Tina starts to cry and Pip hugs her.]

Pip: Shh...it's all right....Pip's here Tina...

[We see Tina resting her head on Pip's shoulder and her eyes suddenly open, she pulls back from the hug and looks at Pip in the eyes.]

Tina: You defended me!

Pip: Of course I did.
Tina: B-but why? You never defend yourself!
Pip: Tina, you're nicer to me then I am to myself. I love you, and I mean it. I love you more then life itself.

[Tina smiles ever so slightly, then, Pip slowly leans in and kisses Tina on the lips. Tina looks shocked, then relaxes and puts her arms around Pip's neck and his arms around her middle. We pan to Home Ec (Sunday lessons) and we see the girls all sewing. Wendy has sewn a nice little 'Peace' sign on a flowery 70 style fabric. Stan, is still trying to thread the needle.]

Stan: Damnit! Almost...gah!
Wendy: Stan? Need some help?
Stan: No. I can get it! Mmm...come on...argh! Damn!

[Wendy sighs, takes the needle from him, throws it in the air, throws a piece of thread up to, the needle comes down threaded. She hands it to him.]

Wendy: There.

[Wendy goes back to sewing, Stan looks at Wendy in surprise.]

Stan: Whoa!
Wendy: Took me years to learn how to do that.
Stan: How many?
Wendy: Eight.

[Stan blinks. Then the teacher comes in, it's the same one from 'Tweek vs. Craig'.]

Teacher: Come along girls...and boy...it's time to start our cooking lesson!
Stan: [moans] Oh no not cooking...
Wendy: Come on Stan!

[Wendy leads Stan into the cooking area. Wendy picks up a piece of paper.]

Wendy: Says here we're making muffins!
Stan: Muffins?

[We see some clips, playing to the song: Wake up Wendy, but sung by Stan himself. It shows Wendy asking Stan for the flower, him handing her flower, as he is covered in it, raisins and so on. We see the oven go up in smoke, Stan using the extinguisher, Wendy hitting Stan on the arm, Stan sulking, Stan puking on Wendy, then both of them standing in front of the oven watching.]

Stan: Dude I hope this worked.
Wendy: Me too.

[Then we hear a ding. Wendy puts the cooking gloves on and opens the oven. She pulls out muffins which look perfect. Stan grins.]

Stan: We done it!
Wendy: Oh yay!

[They take them out and put them on the cooling rack. Stan looks at them.]

Stan: This seems too easy...
Wendy: Why?
Stan: Well, knowing C.G, like I do, there's something up.
Wendy: C.G?
Stan: Yeah, you know...the writer?
Wendy: [confused] Writer?
Stan: Never mind.

[Then the teacher comes and tries one. She chews for a while, then looks disgusted. She spits it out.]

Teacher: Ugh!!
Stan: What is it??
Wendy: Didn't we do everything right?
Teacher: You used SALT instead of SUGAR!!
Wendy: Stan!!
Stan: What?
Wendy: *You* passed me the salt!
Stan: Oh yeah...whoops.

[We pan to at least an hour later at the football field. Chef is stood there looking nervous. He glances at the score board. South Park Cows: 15, Visitors: 45. We see the other team, they're pretty damn big eight year olds. Cartman is sat on the bench next to Abigail.]

Cartman: Thos guys can't be eight! Look at them!
Abigail: Most probably they work out.
Cartman: They work out in the woods or on Mars to get *that* big!
Craig: I bet they eat kids like us for lunch.
Cartman: I bet they'd chew one of us up and spit the kid out again.
Craig: I bet they take steroids.
Cartman: I bet they eat babies and set younger kid's hair on fire.

[Pause.]

Craig: Nah, that's too harsh.

[Behind them we see a four year old screaming and running around with his hair on fire. Chef looks around.]

Chef: Damnit! Where is Tina and Pip!?
Abigail: Philip and Tina isn't here?
Cartman: [sarcastic] Oh I wonder what they're up to.

[The others look at Cartman.]

Cartman: What? I'm kidding! Pip's a limey looser and he'll never amount to anything cause he's a pansy assed pig fucker.
Abigail: [angry (!)] What did you say about Philip?
Cartman: He's a limey looser and he'll never amount to anything cause he's a pansy assed pig fucker. What, you deaf?

[Abigail looks livid, screams and punches Cartman in the face and he falls off his seat.]

Cartman: Ow!
Abigail: [angry] Don't you ever EVER say that about Philip!! [calms, then looks shocked] Oh my, Eric! Eric are you okay?!

[Abigail jumps down and gets next to Cartman, who's holding his nose.]

Cartman: Yeah...I'm fine...God Abby, do you take steroids?
Craig: Bet she does.
Cartman: Oh boy, not this again.
Chef: Mmm...Abigail?
Abigail: Yes Mr. Chef?
Chef: Come here.

[Abigail walks up to Chef.]

Abigail: Yes?
Chef: How do you feel about playing football?

[He grins and we hear the whistle blow. We pan to shortly later and we see Abigail on the football field and looking damn nervous. The others are lined up.]

Sheila: Come on Abby!
Abigail: Right-O.

[Abigail hurries up next to Sheila. She's facing a huge eight year old (huge as in muscles right?). She gulps.]

Abigail: Oh dear...

[Next to her we see Kyle, still with the wrappings on his face and hands.]

Abigail: Kyle?
Kyle: Yeah Abigail?
Abigail: Why are you playing?
Kyle: Last reserved. Craig was kicked out.
Abigail: He was fired from the team?
Kyle: No. He was *kicked* out. He's somewhere over the fence.
Abigail: Oh my! [thinks] Just where is Tina and Philip?

[The view changes and we see Tina and Pip sat together on the swings of the play ground. They're just sat there, smiling at each other. We pan back to the game and we see Stan dumped onto the sidelines with blood running from his head.]

Stan: I wanna nurse!!!! Arrgghhh!!!! Waaagggghhhh!!

[We see onto the field, the South Park Cows look pretty fucked up. Sheila turns to Abigail.]

Sheila: How did you get onto this team?
Abigail: Well, Mr. Chef saw me inflict pain on Eric and he put me here.
Sheila: [enraged] You did WHAT!?

[Abigail steps back, then frowns slightly and steps forward again.]

Abigail: That's right! I hit him! He insulted my brother and I punched his lights out!

[Sheila frowns, then a light bulb appears above her head. She hurries to the surviving members; Token, Kenny (!), Biddy, Bebe, Shelley, Terrance, Bill, Fossy, Oscar and Cartman, and huddle them.]

Sheila: Okay...I have a plan. To get Abby moving, insult her. Do whatever it takes, insult her voice, brother, family, whatever. It'll get her moving, and get the other team making fun of her too, then she'll attack them. Kay?
Cartman: Okay...

[Cartman sidles up to a team member.]

Cartman: Hey uhh...Number 12?
#12: What fatso?
Cartman: You see that girl with freckles?
#12: Yeah? What about her?
Cartman: To make her cry, just insult her.
#12: 'Bout what?
Cartman: You stupid dildo! Anything! Her hair, accent, her parents are dead, she's French, she licks cats pussies, whatever!
#12: Oh cool.

[Soon the other team knows of Abigail, but they're not prepared for what they're gonna get! Soon Token is ready with the ball and Sheila behind him.]

Sheila: Hut! Hut hut hut! Hut! [pause] What does hut mean anyway?
Chef: [from sidelines] HIKE THE DAMN BALL!!
Sheila: Oh. Hut!

[Token snaps the ball to Sheila, she throws it at Abigail who squeaks.]

#12: Pansy assed French little pussy licking looooosssseeerr!!!

[More insults from the other team, Abigail stares at them, then at the grandstand. Then Tina sits up from somewhere in the stands. Behind her the sun is shining.]

Tina: [calls out] SHOW THEM WHAT YOU'RE MADE OF ABIGAIL!!

[Abigail frowns, screams and charges her way through the other team, sending team members here and there. We pan through shots and see Abigail kicking guys, punching them, pushing them over, making touch downs, then after the game we see the scores. South Park Cows: 105 Visitors: 55. The crowd cheers loudly. The South Park Team (who still look pretty wrecked and tired), rush to Abigail, hoists her onto their shoulders.]

Team: Abby! Abby! Abby! Abby!

[After a few victory circles, they collapse and moan in pain.]

Cartman: Ow!
Sheila: Ahh!!
Kyle: Aw fuck!!
Stan: Damnit!!
Kenny: [deceased]
Stan: [weakly] Oh my God! We squished Kenny!
Kyle: [shakes fist at team] We're bastards!

[Up in the grand stand Pip and Tina look at each other.]

Tina: Shall we then?
Pip: Oh we shall.

[Pip holds his hand out, Tina takes it and they go down to the group and haul kids off the field. We pan to the modelling school. All the boys and girls are there (minus Cartman and Sheila).]

Abigail: Oh I hope they start soon..
Tina: Soon Abigail, you'll see the fashion of today soon!

[Then the lights dim and the music starts up. Girl after girl walks out, displaying their fashion sense, (or fashion no sense as Tina thinks) and soon...]

Announcer: And now, up next is the newest addition to our modelling classes, is Eric T. Cartman!

[The light shines on the curtain. No movement. We hear swearing behind the curtain, then Cartman is pushed out onto the stage. He stands there and looks at the people. He's wearing a pink satin dress, sleeveless, low cut, with a pink silk scarf around his neck. He's got clip on earrings on his ears, his brown hair teased into a totally different fashion too. He dress goes to his waist, then goes out, causing pleats, he's also got a red boa around his neck. Then we see he's wearing pink semi-high heels. He gawks at the audience.]

Cartman: [nervous] Uhhh....ahhh...mmm...hi?

[The whole audience applauds. Cartman grins and stands up straight, back straight chest (lol) out and struts up and down the cat walk and boys in the audience who don't know Cartman cheer loudly and whistle. Cause, he does look pretty much like a girl! Tina wolf whistles.]

Abigail: [giggles] Oh my...[chuckle] Poor Eric! [smirks] Heh heh....
Tina: You can laugh.

[Abigail bursts out into fits of laughter. Of course, laughter is infectious, soon Pip, Kyle, Stan, Wendy, almost everyone there is laughing their asses off.]

Cartman: AH! Damnit!

[The End.]